woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
