just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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