I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
