I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
