She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
