The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
