Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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