Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
