I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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