Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
