just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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