Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We're too hungover to prance.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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