exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Life is so much better after having sex.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
