My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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