You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Send help, water and tortillas.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
