College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
