he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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