You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
