i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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