Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My bed is full of blood and feathers
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
