Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
