you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
