Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
