He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
