I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
