Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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