They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
