Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
