Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
