i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
