I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
