you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
