Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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