Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
