i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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