there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
