my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
