Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
