she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
