I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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