Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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