One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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