is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
