i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
