If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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