I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
