so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
