Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize