the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
