I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The Olympian is in my bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
